A God's Plan
by Redeemed-One
Summary: Landon went on a search for Jamie. Will he find her? Chapter 5 is up.
1.

Author Note: I changed the title from "I'll Always Remember" to "God's Plan" because I found out someone else already used the previous title. God's Plan is more appropriate to the plot of my story anyway. Please correct me if I made any mistakes. Feedback and reviews are greatly appreciated. Please respect my work, ask before you publish it anywhere else (my email address is junyan@usa.com). I will try to update at least once a week. Thank you for supporting. Disclaimer: A Walk To Remember (the movie), Copyright © 2002, is the trade mark of Warner Bros. A Walk To Remember (the novel), Copyright © 2000, is the trade mark of Warner Books and novelist Nicholas Sparks. I do not own any of the characters in this story. All the characters and their names are fictitious. If the name of any living person has been used, the use was purely accidental.  
  
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Chapter 1.  
  
I would never forget that day.  
  
The day that started it all...  
  
I could remember every single thing that happened in that day, down to the smallest detail. I still remember I kissed my beloved wife, Jamie, goodbye in the morning, and headed to the university for the interview. I still remember she made the breakfast in that morning. I still remember during the meal, she repeatedly advised me not to panic in the interview. She'd been telling me the same thing over and over since I received the notification letter. But I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the thought that she cared about me. It seemed that she was more excited than I was.  
  
"Just remember to be polite and patient. Maintain eye-contact and concentrate on the questions." She muttered while she collected the dishes.  
  
"Number 42." I said.  
  
Jamie paused. She looked at me in confusion. "Huh? What 42?"  
  
I smiled, "It's the 42nd times you said the exactly same thing to me."  
  
She smiled back, and said, "Come on, Landon, be serious. It's important."  
  
"Okay, I will be serious now" I dropped my face, and made a funny "serious" expression. She laughed and hit me slightly on the shoulder. I caught her hand and pulled her close me. She looked just as beautiful as usual. Today, she wore the pink sweater I gave her before we got married. We'd been married for almost 5 months now. I noticed she only wear this sweater in the day that means very special to her. I embraced her in my arms, feeling the softness of her skin, relishing the fragrance from her body. I could not stop thinking about how much I love her. Every time I had her in my arms like this I wished the time would just freeze so I can enjoy this luxury forever. I started to kiss her lips.  
  
Jamie closed her eyes. Her breathing gradually turned heavy. Then she pushed me back a little. "Landon," She whispered, "You have to go. You're going be late."  
  
"Okay," I said despondently, dragged myself out of my compulsion, "I guess I have to go now. Just wait here for the good news."  
  
I picked up the car key and brief case. Jamie followed me to the door. We kissed.  
  
"I love you." I said.  
  
"I love you too." Jamie replied.  
  
Sometimes I wonder, if I knew what was going to happen in that day, I would never ever step out of that door. I would stay no matter what. Though I knew I wasn't going to change anything, at least I knew I was there when it happened. I was there for her... It seemed that fate wish to test our love once again. Because after all, that day, I did step out of that door..,  
  
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I arrived in the admission office a bit late. I was surprised of the news that one of the Professors wanted to interview the participants in person. He had just interviewed couple people before me. When I went in the room, I could see he's kind of tired.  
  
Without looked at me, the old Professor motioned me to sit down. After all the greeting, he asked me the first question, "So, tell me about yourself, Mr... er. Mr. Carter." Then I started to tell him about myself, the things I achieved and the activities I participated in High School. I had recited this in my head for thousand times. I did not realize how boring and tedious it was until I actually speak it out. The Professor seemed lethargic to my speech. His eyes were half shut. His head tilted to the side, raising and descending slightly along with his breathing . I could almost hear the deep snore coming out of his throat.  
  
Until I told him that I like baseball.  
  
"Really?" The Professor's eyes popped back open, like an alarm just went off next to him.  
  
"What do you know about baseball?" He asked.  
  
The next thing I knew, we started to ramble about baseball -- the techniques, the strategies, the players, the teams, and the upcoming world series. I never expected the interview to turn out like this, but I was glad I clicked with the Professor. After about 30 minutes of chatter, Professor looked at the clock on the wall and said, "I'm really impressed, Landon, I just can't wait to talk to you again next time." We shook hands and that concluded the success of my interview.  
  
On the way home, I could not stop thinking about how Jamie would react when I told her the good news. She would be thrilled. She would jump and shout, "Yes! Yes! Landon you did it!" I could even see the happy expression on her face now, the lovely dimples on her face, the bright brown eyes that never lose their vivacity, the long smooth hair that were flung hither and thither along with her movement. I painted all this pictures in my mind. A strong sense of joy floated in my heart. It was such bliss.  
  
"Oh great, another red light." I said, growing impatient of this long trip back home. I could not wait to share this joy with Jamie. I caught this break and took out my cell phone I turned off before the interview to check on the messages. Surprisingly there were 55 new messages in total. It was strange. I just bought this cellphone. There was no way I could get so many messages in such a short time. When I read the first message and knew what was going on, I felt like someone stabbed me right in the heart.  
  
The message read, "Jamie is not well. Need you in BH ASAP."  
  
BH is Beaufort Hospital, the place where I spent sleepless days and nights, praying to God not to take Jamie from me; the place where I had felt completely hopeless and anguish. It was the most fearful place on earth, yet most emotional and memorable. It was there that Jamie held my hand and called me her angel. It was there I firmed my love with Jamie and decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her....  
  
Now I had to go back and relive it again?  
  
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I rushed to the hospital. My father-in-low, Reverend Sullivan, was there already, as well as many of my closest friends. They all looked anxious and worried.  
  
Eric saw me first. He came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder, "Landon, God, you finally here. Jamie.. she passed out on the porch this morning..I happened to pass by your house.." I nodded, tapped back on his shoulder, "Thanks buddy." He opened his mouth, tried to say something, but winced. I knew he was trying to solace me, but he could not catch the words. Belinda was there too. She looked at me with tears in her eyes. I nodded at her, showing my appreciation. She responded with sobbing.  
  
I walked through the rest of my friends, and came to Reverend Sullivan. "Dad," I said, battling the trepidation of my voice, "how's Jamie?"  
  
He sighed, shook his head, could not hide the distress on his face. "She's in the emergency room right now. Doctors are working on it. They said her chronic status just turned acute.."  
  
I had lived with Jamie's illness for months now. In front of her, I never talked about her cancer condition, owing to that I did not want to ruin our time together, thinking about sad things. Instead I had secretly done some intensive research on Leukemia behind her back. I had read visually every single medical book in the local library and medical academy that were about Leukemia and blood related cancer. I had ordered tons of medical magazine and newspaper, looking for articles that involve new treatment of cancers. I even visited some prominent oncologists in the town, asking for advice. With my nearly professional level of knowledge on oncology, I knew that what Jamie had is Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia. It was the most unstable kind and vicious one. It was like a wayward tyrant. The condition of the victim would deteriorate from time to time. If the patient maintained a healthy mentality, the symptom might withdraw in a short period. Then, when the malignant blood cells started to clutter again, the cancer would strike back, torturing its prey with everything it got. It progressed slowly, which allowed greater number of healthy blood cells to be produced, just enough to keep the heart beating, while consuming other part of the victim. When Reverend Sullivan said her condition just turned acute, that basically means the chance of Jamie to live just dropped 50%.  
  
I was utterly startled by this catastrophe. On my way to the hospital, I thought I had well prepared myself for any devastating news about Jamie's illness. I thought I can handle it. Apparently I underestimated how hard this was.  
  
My brain went blank in that instant. It failed to function. I could not hear the rest of what Reverend Sullivan said. I could not think of anything, like my memory just got erased completely, except Jamie's face, her beautiful face.  
  
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	2. 

Chapter 2.  
  
It was raining outside. I had no idea when it had started, and when it would end. First the rain was mild, drizzled down gently, as if the sky was shedding tears down on earth. Gradually the lament turned severe. Raindrop started to downpour from the dark firmament, getting thicker and thicker, deluged the land with water. Stream formed on the road in front of the hospital, once in a while, there were cars speeding by, splashing the water everywhere. The splash would reflect with the road light, flickering like pyrotechnic.  
  
I stood in front of the window, watching this view quietly. My chaotic thought began to gather. 7 hours had passed. The light in the emergency room still shine. Jamie was still in there. My friends were all gone, left me and Reverend. I vaguely remembered they all hugged me and comforted me before they left. But I could not record what they said precisely. Oncology staffs were working in shifts now. Every 2 hours, a team of doctors and nurses would come out and another fresh team would go in. The shift was done hastily. They passed through us, whispering to each other, oblivious to our present.  
  
I looked at Reverend Sullivan. He had fallen asleep. He was tired. All these stress were too much for his age. Heck, it was even overwhelming to me. His gray hair shivered slightly. Even in sleep, his face looked sad and twisted, like someone had just drawn more wrinkles on his forehead. "Poor Reverend." I said to myself. He must love Jamie as much as I do. Yet he had to face this cruel reality, first his wife, then his daughter. What did he do wrong? Why God had to do this to him? He had done nothing but believe in God and served Him for his entire life.  
  
"Mr. Carter." Someone called my name, dragging me out of my thought. I looked to the side. 3 doctors stood beside me. They just came out of the emergency room. I noticed the emergency sign on the door was off.  
  
"Yes." I said. They took off their surgical gauze mask. I recognized one of them, Doctor Kerwin. I had visited him before.  
  
"Your wife is the most courageous woman I had ever met, Mr. Carter," Doctor Kerwin said, adjusting his spectacles, "her heart failed 6 times today. Every time we thought she's gone, her heart would start beating again. That was truly extraordinary."  
  
I nodded, "how is she now?"  
  
Doctor Kerwin hesitated, then said, "We tried our best to bring her blood pressure back to normal. She's stable now. But we need to monitor close on her. We want to keep her in the emergency room for one night, in case of anything come up.."  
  
"Can I stay with her?" I asked.  
  
"Yes," He said, "but only one family member is allowed." He looked to where Reverend was sitting.  
  
"Landon, you stay with her."  
  
I turned around. It was Reverend. He was awake. I took his hand, and said, "Thank you." He nodded, "Take care of her. I need to go now." He picked up his coat, walk silently towards the elevator.  
  
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I walked in the room. It was dim inside. Only one lamp was on. I saw Jamie lay on the bed. An oxygen mask covered her face, pumping fresh air constantly, helping her to breath. Various color of tubes attached to her left forearm. There were bruises on every injecting area of the tubes. I knew that because of the platelet deficiency, the bruises would last for a long time. I also knew that sooner or later, the veins of where the tubes were attached would collapse. The doctors then would have to find new veins to connect those tubes, which would inflict even more bruises.  
  
I knelt beside her, taking her right hand in mine. Her hand icy cold, her pulse vulnerably weak, her skin ashy pale. I could feel every ounce of energy leaking from her body with every breath she took. I felt extreme feckless and hopeless.  
  
Suddenly, her hand moved. Her eyes opened a bit.  
  
"Hey, sweetie," I said, softly. "Doctor said you are doing good. Just rest and don't think too much, okay?"  
  
She nodded slightly, and smiled. I loved her smile. Even in this condition, her smile was the most beautiful thing in the world. Her forefinger moved around in my palm. I soon realized she was trying to write something in my hand. She could not talk with the oxygen mask on. She was too weak to speak anyway.  
  
I flattened my hand. Slowly, she wrote, "How is your interview?"  
  
"Perfect," I smiled, "The Professor likes me. He said he would like to see me in his class next semester."  
  
Jamie's eyes widened, twinkled with joy. "I am so happy." She wrote.  
  
"Me too." I said, kissing her hand.  
  
"I love you." She wrote.  
  
"I loved you too, sweetie." I whispered.  
  
Gradually, her eyes closed, her hand returned lifeless. She had lost conscious again. The anemia was making her extremely fatigue. It would make her coming in and out of consciousness constantly. Jamie was dying, but at the same time, she was so alive to me. What she just did made my blood boiled for a long while. "Maybe," I thought, "maybe she will live." Then the optimistic part of my brain took control. I began to think about all the available treatments for her cancer nowadays, chemotherapy, radiation therapy, immunotherapy, bone marrow transplant.. Jamie said she had stopped respond to the treatments before. Certainly she did not try all the treatments. Maybe if I convinced her to try other treatments, she will find her cure and live..  
  
But deep down I knew that any of these treatments also possessed adequately degree of risk and side effects, especially in Jamie's case, where the cancer was in its late period thus extremely unstable. If anything goes wrong, it would hasten her deteriorating..  
  
What if she can't make it.  
  
I could not stop the sadness floating in my chest. The pessimistic thought suddenly billowed out of control. If she can't make it, if she dies, what am I going to do?  
  
The fact is, Jamie was the only person who had brought me faith and hope in this world. I had witnessed the painful separation of my parents in my infancy. I saw them argued. I saw them fought. I saw my father ran off with another woman, abandoned me and my mother. When I was 10, my grand mom, who took care of me for years during my parents' divorce process and loved me very much, died in a painful heart attack. The worst part is that I was there when it happened. All these terrible childhood influences had made me very rebel and cynical at a young age. I did go to church every Sunday, but only because it was my grandmom's last wish before she passed away. Every time I saw the fancy painting of Christ in the church, I could not help but asking God why all these bad things had happened to me. And of course, He never answered. Thus I believed in the theory of the existence of God, but refused to accept the concept of "He loves us". To me, God is cruel. He played us like harp.  
  
Until I fell in love with Jamie.  
  
Jamie was the direct opposite essence of me. Falling in love with her had completely changed me. It's like I had lived all my life in hell, full of evil and sin, and then she showed me a glimpse of heaven, with goodness and beauty. She became the center and pillar of my new world. If she's gone, that would mean the collapse of my world. I would lose my faith again. I would be more cynical than before, even hateful. I still remembered the day I watched my grandmom died..  
  
Only living with Jamie, would my life be complemented and exciting. Everything is like adventure. Without her, my life is absolutely colorless and ridiculously predictable. It would throw me into the abyss of misery. I can not imagine myself mourning in her funeral, or grieving in front of her tombstone, realizing that loneliness and despair are yet to come. No, I can't let that happen. I rather die.  
  
I rather die.  
  
I repeated to myself. I felt sense of relief. Only death can bring us together. Only death can end my ceaseless anguish. If she dies, I had nothing to live for. If she dies, I will join her.  
  
I glanced over to the side of the room. Adjacent to the wall, there was a table with pens and paper. I walked to the table. Absently, I picked up a pen and started to write. I wrote a letter. A letter to everyone who loved us, my mom, my dad, Reverend Sullivan, Ms. Garber, Eric, Belinda, Tracie, Dean, Clay.. everyone who had attended our wedding. I told them why I do it and not to feel sad for me because I'm actually relieved. I told them that I want my body buried with Jamie in the same tomb. I wanted us to be buried in the same spot where I gave her the star registration. I wanted the telescope to be forged in front of our tomb so Jamie and I could watch the stars together, forever..  
  
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The letter wasn't long, around 200 words, but the sorrow within is unimaginable. Every text was extremely arduous to inscribe, that the pen weighted like thousand pounds. I read the letter in my mind over and over. Every time I read it I felt like someone was chocking me, yet I felt relief. It was absolutely crazy. "You are the most insane creature on this planet." I said to myself. The sarcastic tone made me want to vomit.  
  
"Landon?"  
  
I was surprised that someone had entered the room. Apparently I was lost in my disordered thoughts, that I neglected my surrounding. I glanced to where the voice from. It was Belinda, standing near the door. I began to panic. I did not wish anyone to discover what I just did. Instinctly, I tore the letter off the pad, quickly rolled it and threw it into the trash can underneath the table.  
  
"What are you doing, Landon?" She asked.  
  
"Nothing," I answered, acting casual, "what are you doing here, Belinda? It's late."  
  
Fortunately, it seemed she wasn't suspicious of my action. "I left my coat in the lobby." She said, looked to Jamie, "What did the doctor said?"  
  
"She's stable now. But they have no idea when it will come back." I said, despondently. At this condition, there was really nothing they could do now but to wait, wait for a miracle, or wait for her end..  
  
Belinda sighed. She hugged me and said, "We will be back tomorrow to see her after school. Just be strong, Landon. She's going to be okay."  
  
"Thank you." I said. "Where did you park your car? I'll walk you there."  
  
"No, stay with her, Landon. I'll be fine." She said. Nonetheless, I followed her to the elevator. She hugged me again, "Take care, Landon. I. We love you."  
  
I watched the door shut. Her voice echoed in my head.  
  
"Be strong, Landon." "We love you."  
  
I thought about my friends, Eric, Belinda, Dean, Clay. my parents and Reverend Sullivan. Suddenly, I regretted of my previous intention. I went back to the emergency room, took Jamie's hand and began praying.  
  
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The next morning, I found my self laying on a hospital bed in another room. A nurse came in. "Good morning, Mr. Carter." She said, with a bright smile, "You fell asleep. We'd moved you here. Your wife is in the rehab room now. She's doing good." I quickly asked for the room number and rushed there. When I went in the room, I was surprised. I saw Belinda sit beside Jamie. A Bible was opened on her knee and she was reading it to Jamie. The oxygen mask wasn't on Jamie now. Her eyes closed, but the smile on her face told me that she had regained her consciousness.  
  
Belinda sensed my appearance. "Hey, Landon." She looked up and said. "Hey." I replied. The clock on the wall read 1:30 PM. I guessed I had fallen asleep somewhen this morning.  
  
Jamie opened her eyes. "Good morning sunshine." Her face still pale, but her smile would never lose its vitality.  
  
"Good afternoon, you mean." I kissed her slightly on the cheek.  
  
Belinda put on her coat. "My next class started at 2:30. I had to go now. I will be back after that."  
  
Jamie motioned me to follow her. I followed Belinda to the hallway. I recorded the thing she said last night.  
  
"Hey Belinda." I said. She turned around. "Yes, Landon?"  
  
"I just want to say thank you, really. You'd been a really good friend."  
  
Belinda nodded. She looked down at her toes, tried to find something to say. She looked nervous. I could sense her hesitation. Belinda was those kind of typical "strong" woman. She could do anything for her love one, or to get her love one back. That's why back in high school, when Jamie and I got together, she had tried to hurt us. I wondered what made her hesitated to say.  
  
Finally, she said, "Landon, can you promise me one thing?"  
  
"Of course, anything I can." I said.  
  
"Can you promise me not to hate me?"  
  
I thought about the fliers she handed out. "Jamie and I already forgot about those things long time ago," I said, "We were in high school. We were young. Everybody made mistakes."  
  
Belinda shook her head. "No, I'm not talking about that.." She hesitated again, then said, "nevermind." She turned around and started walking. I could sense the disappointment.  
  
"Okay," I followed and said, "I promise you I'll never hate you."  
  
She nodded, never looked back. I walked her to the parking lot and watched her drove away. Strange thing was, even with my sincere promise, the sadness never disappeared from her face.  
  
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Jamie was reading the Bible by herself when I got back to the room.  
  
"You can make me a very happy man if you could just lie down." I said. Jamie looked at me and laughed. I helped her lie down, sat right next to her. She put her hand on my knee. I put my hand over hers. It felt much warmer than yesterday.  
  
"So," She said, "did you thank her for me?"  
  
"Yes, of course." I said.  
  
"Belinda is such a good friend. She'd been reading the passages for me all morning. And we talked a lot of things too." Jamie said.  
  
"What you two talked about?" I asked.  
  
"All kinds of things you guys did in high school. She told me this once that you guys broke in the chemistry lab at night and stole all the lab frogs and released them in the cemetery. That was crazy."  
  
I laughed, "Yeah, I remember that. Did Belinda tell you that Dean was afraid of frogs?"  
  
Jamie nodded. We both laughed again.  
  
Suddenly, Jamie surprised me with a question, "She still has feeling for you. She will do anything for you. Do you know that?"  
  
I did not respond immediately. I knew Belinda still likes me. The way she looked at me, the way she talked to me, I was not a dimwit. I knew it. But Jamie had taken every space in my heart, I never thought about any other girls after I fell in love with her. Instead of answer her directly, I kissed her and said, "Just like I will do anything for you."  
  
Jamie glanced away from me. She stared at the window with that far-away- look in her eyes. Somehow my answer hurt her. Slowly, she said, "Landon. sometimes you have to look at things that's given to you, instead of looking at something that's taken from you.."  
  
"The only thing I want is you." I kissed her hand and said. Jamie closed her eyes. I could see the pain on her face. Her hand suddenly felt cold again. Her breath turned a bit heavy, like she's having trouble to breath.  
  
"Are you okay, sweetie?" I concerned.  
  
Jamie looked back at me. Her breathing returned normal. The familiar cheerful face appeared again. "I'm alright," She said, smiling, "So, did you tell your mom what happened?"  
  
"No." I said. My mom was on a business trip in New York. I hadn't had the chance to call her.  
  
"She knows now," Jamie said, "My dad called her this morning. She's on her way back now." Jamie looked to the clock on the wall, "Hmm, she's going to be in the train station in about half an hour. Landon, it would be nice if you go there and get her for me."  
  
I hesitated. I really didn't want to leave Jamie. My mother knew the way to the hospital. Why did I have to get her?  
  
Jamie saw my reluctance. She squeezed my hand a little and said, "Please, Landon, for me?"  
  
Being Jamie's husband for months, I had come to realize how smart and understanding Jamie was. She really knew my hot button. Every time she made that lovely gesture and said those 4 magic words I would almost always fall for it. It all started at our first date when she asked me to dance. It had become my instinct to follow whatever she said after that. Jamie knew that very well.  
  
I thought about the way to the train station. If I drive fast enough, it only takes less than 20 minutes. "Okay, I will be right back." I said. I picked up my outfit and car key. When I was about to leave the door I glanced back at Jamie. She crossed her hand and held the Bible to her chest. Her eyes shut, almost like she fell asleep again.  
  
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It took me exactly 15 minutes to get to the train station. The schedule said that next train from New York was going to arrive in 10 minutes. The one after that wasn't going to be here in another 4 hours. So my mom must be in the next train.  
  
The train actually arrived in 40 minutes, almost half an hour late. "No wonder people buy cars," I said to myself in sulkiness, "public transportation seriously sucks." I started looking for my mom on the platform. The crowd slowly got thinner. I still couldn't find my mom. I thought I missed her somewhere on the way. So I went out to the parking lot and looking for her. I spent another half hour there. Still, no trace of her.  
  
At this point I was pretty much stressed out. I went back to my car and picked up my cellphone, dialed my mom's cellphone number.  
  
"Hello?" The other end picked up, it was my mom's voice.  
  
"Hey, mom, this is Landon." I said.  
  
"Hi, Landon, how you doing." My mom said.  
  
"Fine, um, mom, where are you now?"  
  
"I'm in New York. Why you called me?"  
  
It was then I realized something was wrong, terribly wrong. I could feel the sweat pouring from my head. "You mean you didn't take the train?"  
  
"Why would I take the train? I haven't finished my job here yet.."  
  
I hung up the phone, jumped in the car and started flying back to the hospital. My heart was jumping up and down wildly, like it was going to explore right out of my chest.  
  
Jamie had tricked me. Why?  
  
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	3. 

Chapter 3.  
  
"Sir, you can't park your car here." The security guard at the front gate tried to stop me. I ignored him, kept on running toward the rehab section. I couldn't afford another second to find out what Jamie was up to. The corridor to Jamie's room seemed endless. I ran like crazy. Maybe I was crazy, during that short period.  
  
When I finally reached there, the door was closed. I took a deep breath, and pushed in.  
  
I was petrified right at the spot.  
  
Jamie wasn't in the room.  
  
The bed where Jamie once lay was empty. Blanket folded neatly, with pillow on the top. I knew this is Jamie's way to make her bed. Those tubes that connected Jamie's arm to various medical devices were arranged orderly on the table right next to the bed. Their different colors made them almost look like a rainbow. At the corner, a clothes-rack stood lonelily. Jamie's pink sweater was hung there before. It was now gone, along with the wheel chair that was placed nearby, leaving the hanger behind. I remembered the window was shut before I left, now it opened slightly. Warm and moist afternoon wind sneaked through the gap, drifting the silvery white drape, bringing a strong scent of Carolinian lilac into the room.  
  
Lilac was Jamie's favor.  
  
"Sir, you have to remove your car." It was that security guard. I turned around, grabbed him by the arm. "Where's Jamie? Where is she?" I roared furiously. I felt I was going to launch at him if he doesn't give me a satisfied answer.  
  
The guard was shocked, "Wh.who?"  
  
"Jamie, my wife. She was in this room. Where did she go?" My voice raised to the point of raucousness.  
  
"What's going on here? Mr. Carter?"  
  
I turned around. It was Dr. Kerwin. I let go of the guard's arm. "My wife, she's not in her room. Where is she?" I tried my best to calm myself down, but my voice still trembled.  
  
Dr. Kerwin glanced into the room. "Don't panic, Mr. Carter," he said, "Maybe your wife is taking a walk in the garden. Let's go ask the nurse."  
  
We went to the front counter, and asked the nurses there. They called on the radio. For a long while no one answered. We went to the rehab park at the back of the hospital. Jamie wasn't there either. Dr. Kerwin's face darkened, showing his nervousness. Later, a search was called. All the security guards and nurses were given Jamie's features. The whole hospital turned into a commotion.  
  
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3 hours passed. They still couldn't find a trace of her. I called every single person I knew in the town, asking them if Jamie was with them. They all disappointed me with their identical answers. Soon, Reverend Sullivan and my friends arrived, along with some policemen. Together we made a much more meticulous search in and outside the building. We searched almost every inch of the hospital. Again, no trace was found. It was like she literally disappeared.  
  
I felt I was about to lose my mind.  
  
I went back to Jamie's rehab room. Reverend Sullivan and all my friends were there, as well as Dr. Kerwin and the whole police unit. The Captain came up to me, an envelope in his hand.  
  
"Mr. Carter," he said, "A nurse found this on the front desk. We think that your wife left it there so someone can hand it to you. Can you read it?"  
  
I nodded, and took the envelope. On the front, it read, "To My Beloved Husband, Landon Carter", I recognized it was Jamie's hand writing. My hands began to shake. I felt dazed. An uncontrollable fear raged in me. Reverend Sullivan put his hands on my back, giving me support. "Go ahead Landon," he said, "go ahead read it."  
  
Finally, I rose up my courage, and opened the envelope.  
  
In her tidy and graceful handwriting, she wrote the words that took my breath away,  
  
"Dear Landon,  
  
By the time you read this letter, I'd been gone now. Do not search for me, because I will make sure you don't find me.  
  
Falling in love with you and became your wife had been the most blissful thing that ever happened to me. But at some degree, it's equally distressing. Every time I see the pain on your face, I feel guilty to pull your into my world. I feel I was so selfish that I did not tell you the truth before you fell in love with me. I was so naive to think that we could both pull ourselves out of it. When I found out how deep we fell for each other, it was too late.  
  
I'd been thinking about leaving you for a long time now. But every time I saw your face and enjoyed your embrace and kiss, my determination would melt apart and I ended up staying, day after day. Somewhere on the way, I allowed my emotion to blind my purpose.  
  
Until yesterday, I saw the letter you wrote. I know your personality well. Therefore, before you do anything that would make us both regret, I have to make this decision. I have to leave you. I know it's best for both of us.  
  
'Love is always patient and kind.' God sent this message to us. I believed God had planned us to fall in love. I believed God planned me to leave you. And I believe if we both are patient enough, perhaps He will plan us to meet again.  
  
Love,  
  
Your wife, Jamie Sullivan Carter."  
  
Tears began to roll down my cheek. All kinds of emotions came to me at the same time, anger, sorrow, loss, fear, confusion, nervous, remorse and despair. They kept inflating, soon filled up my chest, like it's going to explode. I could not concentrate and hold my thought together, for it was flooded by million questions, questions that I could not answer and understand at all. They sharpened all those emotions like swords, breaking every piece of my heart, shattering every inch of my soul.  
  
Jamie is gone.  
  
I might never see her again.  
  
Why this have to happen to me?  
  
How did she know, about the letter?  
  
....  
  
I felt a hand landed on my shoulder. A soft female voice whispered in my ear, "Landon, don't worry. She will be okay." I turned my head. Through my blurry eyes, I saw Belinda's vague silhouette. Suddenly, a thought flashed in my mind, like a meteor stroking through the pitch dark sky. I swung her hand off my shoulder violently.  
  
"It's you," I bellowed with rage, "you saw my letter! Didn't you?!"  
  
Belinda was shocked. She stumbled few steps backward, shaking her head. Then, all of a sudden, she burst into tear.  
  
"So.Sorry," she sobbed impetuously, "I. I couldn't let you do it, Landon. I couldn't.."  
  
Everything became so clear to me now. Belinda came back last night after I fell asleep, and read the letter I throw in the trash can. And then she read it to Jamie.  
  
Now I understand why Belinda asked for my forgiveness this morning.  
  
Why Jamie acted the way she did.  
  
Why she tricked me.  
  
Why she had to leave..  
  
I grabbed Belinda's arms, shook her violently.  
  
"Where did she go? Where did Jamie go?"  
  
Belinda looked into my eyes. "I don't know," she said, voice in trepidation, "Landon you have to trust me. I don't know where she goes."  
  
I squeezed her even more, "No, you are lying. Tell me, where did she go!!"  
  
"Ah." she was hurt.  
  
Suddenly, Dean jumped out of the crowd. He grabbed my arm and threw me back. "Come on, Landon. She said she doesn't know."  
  
I didn't expected Dean's action. I stumbled backward, almost fell on the floor. Leaning on the wall for support, I glanced over all these room full of people. The hatred in my eyes made everyone of them shuddered.  
  
The room turned quiet. Only my heavy breathing could be heard. No one was willing to speak. They all stared at me like I'm crazy.  
  
Maybe I was crazy.  
  
Finally, Reverend Sullivan broke the silence, "Landon, I know it's hard for you. I'm her father, it's hard for me too. But you have to understand it's Jamie's will. You have to respect her decision. Let her go, Landon. It's her wish.."  
  
"No," I said, word by word, slowly, "I will find her."  
  
The phrase echoed in my heart,  
  
I will find her.  
  
************************************************************************ 


	4. 

Disclaimer: Sentences marked with asterisks in front and rear, are excerpted from the original movie A Walk To Remember. This author did not create them and thus would not take credit from them. The reason for excerpt was purely to reinforce the relation between this fanfiction and the original movie. Thank you for understanding.  
  
Chapter 4.  
  
*Jamie and I had a perfect summer together, with more love than lots of people will know in a life time. And then she went, with her unfailing faith.*  
  
Without Jamie's present, time seemed to speed up and slow down at the same time. 4 years passed. 4 years, I still didn't know if Jamie's alive. There was absolutely no tidings from her. As if she was an Angel sent by God to redeem me, after the mission, she simply vanished from earth.  
  
I missed her a lot, more than anything in the world. The longing could not be inscribed in words, for even a thousand phrases could not express its depth and describe its profoundness. I could only feel it, deep down in the heart, accompanied by every piece of memory I had with her.  
  
Every time I thought of her I would write a letter, even though I knew she could not possibly receive it, I still wrote it. I wanted her to be part of my life, part of my accomplishment - I wanted her to know how I enrolled into the University of North Carolina and became a full-time student, how I finished Bachelor of arts in Medicine in just three years, how I won numerous awards for many articles I wrote. I wanted her to know that some of my articles were published by many prestigious medical magazines and newspapers, and that I was named as one of the "Most Notable and Promising Medical Students of the Year" by Modern Med Magazine.  
  
I wanted Jamie to know that I would become the man she wanted me and believe me to be. I knew that no matter where Jamie was - in heaven or on earth, she would always see my accomplishment and be proud of me.  
  
I lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, enjoying last hour of my campus life in the University of North Carolina. By afternoon, I would be back home in Beaufort for a 2-weeks vocation. After that I would go to American Academy of Modern Medicine in Philadelphia - one of the most eminent medical schools in the world, to pursuit my Doctor and ph D degree.  
  
It was late September. The autumn in North Carolina is unlike anywhere in the world. The air has the combination of the fresh smell of the sea, which was brought back by the seasonal wind, and the last odor of lilac before winter. The sky seems closer to earth, almost limpid everyday. Leaves on the tree slowly change color, often cover all over the sidewalk overnight. Even the people seemed friendlier in September. They visit friends and families frequently, preparing for the holiday season.  
  
But to me, September was special not for any of the reasons above. It was in this month, that Jamie left me. It was this month that I ran away from home and tried to find her.  
  
"I will find her."  
  
I still remembered the vow I made that day. I still remembered how crazy I was.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
I still remember the first year after Jamie ran away, I was angry and almost delirious. I left everyone behind, and went on a search for her. I searched through the local traffic agencies of Beaufort. Every train station, bus stops, airports, and harbors, I checked them prudently. After that I went even further. I drove along the east coast, stopping by each major city. From Miami to Jacksonville, from Savannah to Virginia Beach, from Richmond to Baltimore, from D.C. to Philadelphia, I must have visited thousand of cities, and did the same search I did in Beaufort. I went to libraries and checked on local newspapers, looking for any trace of Jamie. I handed out thousands copies of fliers. I raised rewards for any information. I even hired a private detective. When I ran out of money, I would find a job and work for several weeks, and then continue the search.  
  
Until I got throw into jail in New York, for breaking into the security office of JFK International Airport, looking for the surveillance tapes they refused to provide me. It was not until another week that my Dad knew about me and bailed me out of jail.  
  
On our way to the hotel, we were quiet. We never spoke. We never had eye contact. As if the distance once between my father and me, had again appeared due to Jamie's absence. I just sat there and watched magnificent edifices of New York City passing by our cars, and thinking about the next step of my search for my wife.  
  
Finally we reached the hotel. I went to my room and packed up my belongings, while pondering which city I will go next. Should I drive further up north, to Boston and Manchester? It's cold up there, Jamie wouldn't go there. Should I fly to west coast and search there too?  
  
"Landon," finally my Dad spoke.  
  
"Yes, dad." I answered, still not looking at him, packing my bag.  
  
"Come home with me, Landon." He said, softly almost pleadingly.  
  
"No." I respond coldly.  
  
"Where will you go then? I will come with you." He said.  
  
"No dad," I turned around and said, "it's none of your business."  
  
My dad looked at my eyes, then sighed. He turned around and faced the window.  
  
Suddenly, I saw a cluster of gray hair on the back of his head. They must be newly formed, because a year ago before I left, I never notice he has gray hair. And then I notice how much older my Dad look now. The wrinkles on his forehead made him look almost 60, though my dad just reached his 45th birthday.  
  
And then I realized how much he loved me and cared about me. I thought about the things he did for me and Jamie. I felt very sorry for him.  
  
"Dad," I said, "I'm sorry I can't come home with you. I have to find her. Dad, I have to do this."  
  
My dad sighed again, then he said, "I know I can't change your mind, Landon. I know your personality well - when you made a decision, you never changed it." He turned around facing me, "I barely talked to your wife. The only decent conversation between Jamie and me was right before the wedding. But just that one talk, I knew she was a lovely and wise young girl. You are so lucky to have her, Landon. I am so glad of it. But I'm very disappointed that you never understand Jamie, you never did."  
  
I was confused, after all the things I did to win her heart, had I never understood Jamie?  
  
My dad went on, "That day, before the wedding, Jamie and I talked about you, many reckless things you did in High School since freshmen year. We both enjoyed the memories. I suddenly realize that Jamie understand you more than anyone else -- more than your mother and me, more than even yourself. Then I ask her a question. I said, 'Jamie, you know how reckless and foolish my son is, he can be very selfish and cruel sometimes, why you still want to marry him?'"  
  
My dad paused, then asked, "Do you know what she said?"  
  
I shook my head, eager for the answer.  
  
Dad's eyes twinkled, "she said, 'because I know he will be great. He will be a great person and help a lot of people.'"  
  
I was petrified and speechless. I thought Jamie loved me because of the things I did for her. Two places at once, butterfly tattoo, star registration, and building a telescope so she could watch comet Haikutaki at time, now all seemed unimportant. Did I really misunderstand her?  
  
Dad seemed to read my mind, "Yes, Landon. She loves you because she believes in you. I want you to think about it. I want you to ask yourself this question, if Jamie is here, will she be happy of what you are doing right now?"  
  
He put on his coat and walked out of the room, never turned back.  
  
Only Jamie's answer rang in my mind.  
  
"I know he will be great."  
  
"He will be a great person and help a lot of people."  
  
Jamie believed in me. And I was letting her down.  
  
I grabbed my pack and ran out of the hotel. I saw my dad standing in front of his car. He was waiting for me.  
  
"D. dad," I said, trying to catch my breath, "I, I will come home with you."  
  
My dad smiled. "welcome home," he said, "welcome home."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
The next day I flew home with my dad. The next week I handed in my admission to the University of North Carolina. The next month, I was on my way to college, with determination to success, to prove that Jamie was right.  
  
She was right all along. 


	5. 

Chapter 5.  
  
I was back in Beaufort 3pm that day. As I expected, my mom had a "surprise" welcome-home party for me. I found out about it this morning when I called my mom. She kept asking me when exactly I'm going to be back. And just before I hang up, she suggested me to dress a bit nicer today. That just totally gave it away. My mom could never lie well, unlike me. She's too nice and too honest. I don't know if that is a good thing or bad thing, but I love my mom for that.  
  
Three things did surprise me in that party though. Dean showed up in a U.S. Marine military uniform. Blue trousers deep blue jacket, shiny shoes white cover with a golden emblem on it. 2 rows of ribbons and badges listed neatly on his left chest. He looked so sharp, people could not help but looking at him. Talking to him, I found out that he joined the Marine Corps 2 months after I ran off to a wild search for Jamie. He went to Quantico and got his training. He is a 1st Lieutenant now. Thinking back, Dean was always the most reckless one of us in high school. It was rather strange to see him so disciplined and organized. While I congratulated him for his accomplishment, Belinda popped out of nowhere and brought me a second surprise. And I was thrilled. She held Dean's hand and told me that they were engaged.  
  
"You bastard," I cursed with joy, followed with a punch on Dean's chest, "when did you guys got together? Why you never tell me?"  
  
The answer I actually already had in mind. They got together a year ago. They tried to call me and tell me about it, but I was always preoccupied with my education. So after a while they just stopped trying.  
  
Every time their eyes met each other, I could see radiant. From that, I knew they were truly in love. I remembered when Jamie and I were in love, sometimes I let Jamie leaned on my shoulder, we just gazed into each other's eyes, sitting there and smile like idiots for a long time. Love is just like that, both subtle and obvious. I felt very much happy for them. Finally Belinda's over me and found her true love.  
  
Later that night Belinda and I talked. She tried to apologize to me again for that incident in the hospital 4 years ago. I told her I should be the one to apologize. Jamie did the right thing. And Belinda did the right thing too. I was the one who was so selfish and irresponsible. She hugged me and told me that we are going to be best friends forever, and then she shoved me the third surprise - she was pregnant. She said I was the only one who knew about it so far. She asked me not to tell Dean, because Dean was getting deployed next month and she didn't want him so worry. I nodded and promised.  
  
Eric didn't show up at the party. He earned a degree in journalism during these 4 years, and scored a job with CNN. Now he's somewhere in Europe. We called him up and took turns making fun of him on phone. We had a lot of fun doing that. Clay, the poor kid who almost drowned in his senior year because of our dirty prank, showed up late to the party. Without remorse of the past, we murdered him with beers. This time, he's drowned in alcohol. Clay was doing pretty well with his life. He had an internship with a major law firm, and was on his way to become a lawyer.  
  
My father was in the party too. He invited many of his peers, all highly educated doctors and physicians. I could sense the pride in every word he said and every move he made. Later we did a little father-son talk too. He offered me some tips on going to that medical school. When he asked me what I want to concentrate in, I told him oncology. He nodded, fell silent for a while, and asked, "Is it because of Jamie?"  
  
"Yes, dad," I said, "Jamie's the reason I'm in for this whole thing."  
  
He nodded again. His lips twitched a bit. I thought he was going to say something, but then he smiled and raised the beer in his right hand.  
  
"For Jamie," he said, calmly.  
  
I raised my beer too, "For Jamie."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
The welcome-home party was over by midnight. I watched all my friends and relatives left one by one. Of course, they all hugged me and made their final congratulation before they left. I noticed none of them mentioned Jamie. Matter of fact, all topics related to Jamie were secretly banned by them throughout the whole party. They never asked me about my educational process, for example, because they knew that would bring Jamie into the conversation. One of my classmates in high school had the same first name as Jamie. She showed up in the party, and people started calling her by her last name. It was ludicrous.  
  
But I knew they all meant for good. They all knew the history between Jamie and me. And they all saw the wedding ring still binding tight to my finger. They all knew that means I'm not over Jamie yet.  
  
Will I ever be over Jamie?  
  
I asked my self this question. Looking at the empty room, my head felt heavy again. For 4 years, I'd numbed myself from asking questions like these through tight schedule of study and work time. I made myself so busy that I could not even have the tiny bit of excess time to wonder around about Jamie. Now when everything's settled, when there's nothing else to do and no one else's here, when there's just me and this empty room, and the rest of my numerous empty years to go, all the questions popped up like bubbles coming out of a sponge. Where is Jamie? Is she still alive? Is she happy? What is she doing right now, right at this moment? Is she looking at the stars? Does she miss me, at all? ..  
  
"Landon, you ok?"  
  
It was my mom. She was passing by my room.  
  
"I'm alright, mom." I said.  
  
Mom sighed, "You are thinking about her again?"  
  
I sighed too, "mom, you know how it is."  
  
"I think you should go talk to Reverend Sullivan. He might help you." My mom said.  
  
I suddenly remembered that I didn't see my father-in-law in the party today, so I asked my mom about it.  
  
"He didn't feel well yesterday." My mom answered.  
  
"Is he ok?"  
  
"Not a big deal, just a little cold. Doctor said couple days of rest he should be fine," Mom smiled and continued on, "he wanted to come to the party too, but I insisted him to stay at home and rest. I told him he's going to mess up the whole party if Landon sees you are sick and not in rest."  
  
"I will go see him tomorrow." I said.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
I drove my mom's Ford the next day to Reverend Sullivan's house. Unlike most part of the town, Reverend's house did not change at all. On the porch, chair and bench still arranged in the same way that was 4 years ago. The wind chimes Jamie made still hang from the side of the porch, creating that forever peaceful and delightful melody. But it is far less able to calm my thought right now.  
  
*It's been 4 years, and with the vision of Jamie walking towards me will stay with me forever.*  
  
I knocked on the door, and took a deep breathe. I couldn't help but wish the one who opened the door is Jamie. With all the things stayed the same, why can't Jamie be here too?  
  
The door opened. It wasn't Jamie after all. It was the maid that Reverend hired after Jamie ran away.  
  
*"Hello, Mr. Carter. Come in, have a seat, please."*  
  
*"Thank you."*  
  
I entered. The inside was just like the outside, unchanged. The most eye- catching thing was that piano Jamie used to play. Although Jamie's not here, Reverend still kept the piano clean and ready to go. The maid did a great job on it. The wooden part of the piano was wiped down with pine oil. It was so shiny that as if the piano, too, was waiting for its owner to come back.  
  
I walked into the living room and sat down. I heard a heavy sigh, and then I saw Reverend.  
  
*"Landon! Heh, Heh!"*  
  
I stood up.  
  
*"Hey."*  
  
We hugged.  
  
*"You look good."* he said.  
  
*"Aww, thank you. You too,"* I replied.  
  
*"Oh, I'm getting by. What's new, Landon?"*  
  
*"Well, I got into medical school."*  
  
*"Your mother told me that. We are so proud of you, Jamie would've been proud of you too."*  
  
Reverend smiled.  
  
And then it hits me. I don't know where it comes from, how it comes to me. Maybe it's because the piano and the wind chimes; maybe it's because of all those unchanged things in and outside of the house; or maybe it's because of the certainty of the tone when Reverend said "Jamie would've been proud of you."  
  
I suddenly felt Reverend Sullivan was hiding something from me.  
  
What could he be possibly hiding from me? It must be about Jamie. If he knows Jamie's condition, why wouldn't he tell me? I'm her husband after all. I have the rights to know where my wife is.  
  
If I was still me 4 years ago, I would've already jumped off my seats and started my accusation and interrogation at once. But I'd grown up. If said the only thing I'd learned in these 4 years, it would be how to use tact. Reverend Sullivan was famous for his stubbornness in town. If he wishes to tell me the true, he will tell me as soon as he can. Otherwise, no matter what I do, he would hold the words until death. The only thing I can do now is to get as much information of Jamie as I can.  
  
All these thoughts ran through my mind in a flash second. I studied Reverend Sullivan's expression for a while, and I made my decision. I took out the book that Jamie gave me in that hospital. It'd been my most valuable treasure since. I handed it to Reverend.  
  
*"Listen, I want you to have this."*  
  
*"Oh, Landon."* He resisted, pushing the book back. His eyes stayed on that book. I knew how important this book was to him. The book contained his long-lost wife's handwritings, and Jamie's handwriting too. I was using it as bait. *"No."* I said, pushing it back to his side.  
  
*"Oh, my. Thank you."* He fixed his spectacles, and opened the book. I studied his behavior. I saw a little redness in his eyes, and his hands were shaking. It is now or never. I made my move.  
  
*"I'm sorry she never got her miracle."* I said, looking at him straight in the eyes.  
  
Reverend looked back right at me, then he smiled, as if he suddenly understood what I was trying to do. *"She did,"* he said, *"it was you."*  
  
I stayed silence for a while, wishing he would add more on that. But he changed the subject almost immediately. We talked about my schooling, living, and stuffs. During the whole time, I was actually thinking about the last thing he said about Jamie.  
  
She did, it was you.  
  
There was this immense subtlety within these 5 words. So is Jamie alive or not? She had her miracle, as she live? Or he meant she got her spiritual miracle?  
  
Later that day, I went home to give my mom back the vehicle, and went out for a walk. This was a study habit I acquired during my college years. Whenever I meet some problem couldn't be solve, I would went out for a walk, and resolution would come to me somehow during the walk.  
  
I walked around the town, while analyzing these 5 words over and over, until I realized I couldn't possibly get anything from them. When I raised my head and found out where I was, I was shocked. I was standing on that pier where Jamie and I first kissed. I shook my head and forced a smile. I must be obsessed. I walked to the end side of the pier, lean on the fence, and watching the beautiful sunset while enjoying the fresh smell of the wind coming from the sea. The wind stroked against my skin, just like Jamie's hands, soft and delicate, now both surreal and real at the same time.  
  
*Jamie saved my life, she taught me everything. About life, hope, and the long journey ahead. I'll always miss her, but her love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I can feel it.*  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Disclaimer: Sentences marked with asterisks in front and rear, are excerpted from the original movie A Walk To Remember. This author did not create them and thus would not take credit from them. The reason for excerpt was purely to reinforce the relation between this fanfiction and the original movie. Thank you for understanding. 


End file.
